


The 1

by hisokapegger



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:20:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26515090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisokapegger/pseuds/hisokapegger
Summary: Illumi and the reader break up.
Relationships: Illumi Zoldyck/Reader
Comments: 13
Kudos: 53





	The 1

**Author's Note:**

> Word Count: 1 895
> 
> Pairing: Illumi Zoldyck x Reader
> 
> A/N: This is the first part of a short series probably. It’s sad and it was based on the song The 1 by Taylor Swift. Please tell me what you think. I hope you like it and thanks for reading!!

There was a wall that had been building up slowly between the assassin and the young woman. At first, it was easy to overlook their differences as they were hidden by the pink glasses of love. But no matter how hard they tried to ignore it they were met by one undeniable truth: they were from different worlds. That’s when the glass broke.

“Have you ever wanted to run away?” she asked, laying next to him under the cool night sky.  
“Where to?”  
“It doesn’t matter. Just very far away.”

Illumi stayed silent, genuinely thinking about the question. He used to when he was younger but those thoughts and memories faded a long time ago. Now he barely remembered how it felt like to want something, to run. The young man was stuck in place.

“No,” he answered simply.  
“No? Never?”

Those questions weren’t innocent. Nothing she asked him was. But she needed to know: was the thing she was looking for inside of him still there? Was it dead or sleeping? Those were the answers that she kept looking for. Because if she couldn’t save him then there was no use trying.

“Never,” he lied without even realizing.  
“So you wouldn’t run away with me?” she questioned in a small voice, knowing the answer already.

Run away with her? What a strange question Illumi thought. Where would they run and why would they? There was nowhere to go.

“I don’t understand why we would,” the assassin admitted.

Because she couldn’t stand his family, the blood, his scars and his unawareness. Then what did she love about him? The man only she could see.

“I think it would be fun.”  
“I don’t think it would,” he replied honestly.

The young woman chuckled but it wasn’t funny. There was such tragedy in his simple words. 

“Of course you don’t,” she said shifting to a sitting position and picking out the grass, as a distraction from the sadness that was taking over her.

Illumi watched her for a few minutes. Then he was sitting next to her. He gently rubbed off the grass and dirt on the back of her shirt before asking:

“Are you upset?”  
“No. I’m fine,” she replied, faking a smile.  
“We have everything we need here. There’s no point in running away,” he remarked in his usual monotonous voice.

He was right. But once again that wasn’t the answer she was waiting for.

But it was hard to give up and acknowledge the truth. Ever since they met the young woman tried to make him see the world as she did. Except progress was slow if not nonexistent. But she was obsessed with the idea of fixing him. So she kept trying like she was some godly power able to teach him what was right and wrong, love and hate, freedom and control. 

“I don’t think your parents will agree,” she pointed out, head resting against his chest.  
“I’ll convince them.”

She laughed. It was heartwarming to see how confident Illumi was about his plans for them sometimes. How long had he been thinking about marriage? As soon as he knew he was in love, certainly.

“Then what?” she asked.  
“We get married.”  
“You know that’s a pretty big step. Are you sure you want that?”  
“Yes.”

His answer was quick and simple. Too simple for someone who thought ahead of everything. What about having children? How did they fit into the assassin lifestyle? It was likely that Illumi was to train the next heir if Killua didn’t return, which she doubted he would. So who would that be? As the eldest, there was no doubt his children would be the ones to suffer the most.

Just the thought of it sent shivers down [Name]’s spine as she pulled the blue bedsheet over her naked body. Illumi was meant to perpetuate the same cycle of abuse he had been through. So why not say it. Tell her what was coming next after their wedding.

“What happens to our kids?”  
“As Zoldycks they will be trained, of course.”

At that moment the young woman wished Illumi wasn’t that honest. Maybe then she could have pretended she didn’t know what she was getting into. She could have closed her eyes a little longer. But there was no escape from that. So was it worth it? When she looked at his empty eyes and kissed his scars, the answer was no. But when he smiled at her and held her softly, the answer was yes.

“I don’t want my kids to be assassins,” she declared moving away from his cold body.

Illumi’s black eyes followed her movement. He was already missing her skin against his.

“They have to be assassins.”  
“No, they don’t,” she argued, “No one has to be something they don’t want to.”  
“What they want doesn’t matter,” Illumi declared nonchalantly.  
“It matters to me and it should matter to you too.”

But it didn’t. How would it when no one ever acknowledged what the assassin wanted? Did Illumi had any desires? Every time [Name] tried to find them she was met by nothing. He was completely and utterly subjected to his family. He was barely his own. Their relationship was the only thing Illumi sought for himself. But even then it couldn’t avoid mixing with the Zoldycks’ needs. Needs the young woman couldn’t and wouldn’t fulfill.

Hot tears started rolling down her cheeks as her lover watched her. There was a hint of sadness in Illumi’s usually empty eyes. But the wall between them wouldn’t allow her to see it. No, she was too busy contemplating his painfully honest words as they fought once again. The end was near, it was right now. There was no escaping it anymore.

[Name] had a wonderful time dancing around his heart and so did Illumi giving in to her. But the assassin needed more now and she had to make a decision as he explained. Illumi had once again brought up marriage and her answer hadn’t changed. It was still a no despite their time ticking out. The assassin was persistent and he had once believed changing her mind wouldn’t be too difficult. 

But he knew now that he had underestimated her will. What a shame he thought, that her strong spirit would be the end of their love story. She wasn’t breakable the way he needed her. He couldn’t deny it anymore. Sure he could use force on her, she wasn’t immune to psychological and physical torture after all.

Except those things had a price. They came with broken trust and pain, he knew it too well. A few months back he wouldn’t have cared that much. But he did now. [Name]’s eyes were gentle there was never fear in them when she looked at him. There was something else, something he didn’t understand or recognize before: love.

Love was fragile she used to tell him. She was hoping those words would resonate with him. Would make him wonder what it was, how he felt about it. But he never reached the conclusion she wanted. Still, he understood that her love was different from what he knew. It was warm, comforting and addictive. So naturally, he wanted to keep it as it was.

That’s when he realized what he wanted wasn’t compatible with what he needed or rather what the Zoldyck family did. [Name] was wild and free, caging her meant killing her. Illumi knew it. She was like a great white shark, no matter what he did he wouldn’t be able to keep her alive in captivity. At least if she wasn’t agreeing to it.

So he tried convincing her, relentlessly. But the young woman was stubborn like her lover, if not even more. He hated this about her but he loved it too. Wasn’t it because of her stubbornness that he believed their love could last forever after all? Unfortunately, it was. That’s why he could only blame himself for wasting so much time with her. But he didn’t have anymore.

“If your answer is still no, then there’s no reason for me to keep trying,” Illumi said calmly.  
“You know I can’t say yes.”  
“Yes you can and you should have a long time ago, [Name]. I have let you waste too much of my time already.”  
“I love you, Illumi. But I’m clearly not the bride you need,” she declared with a lot of regrets.  
“No, you aren’t,” he whispered as if he was talking to himself. “So you don’t have to expect me, anymore.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Illumi turned around, making his way to the front door of the small apartment. His movements were determined but slower than usual as if he was hoping in his last moments with his lover that she would change her mind.

“Illumi, wait!” she begged, standing up from her couch.

The assassin instantly stopped in his tracks. His heart was beating fast and he couldn’t explain why.

“You said you loved me. It was true, wasn’t it?”  
“Yes,” he answered without hesitation.  
“Then why not choose me over them?” she asked, only a few meters away from him.

Illumi’s fists clenched and it was anger-filled eyes that met hers when he turned around to face her.

“How can you ask me to sacrifice everything for you when you won’t sacrifice anything for me?” he declared, voice not hinting at any trace of the emotions he felt.

[Name] stayed silent for a while. She didn’t know what to answer. It seemed that no compromise could be made and being together meant either being a loser or a winner. There was no way they could both win. But was both losing really the better option? 

“See, you can’t answer this question. Because the answer makes no sense and you know it,” he continued, the darkness of his eyes not as calming to her anymore.  
“I’m not asking you to sacrifice everything, Illumi. I’m just say-”  
“Enough,” he cut her off, his voice louder than before. “If you won’t marry me then I’ve got nothing to tell you. Goodbye, [Name].”

This time he wasn’t hoping for a change of heart from her anymore. This was why he needed to leave as quickly as possible. That might not have been visible to [Name] but putting an end to their love story was as, if not more, painful to the assassin than it was to her. Illumi’s hand turned the cold door handle as the young woman fought the urge to stop him.

“I hope… You remember things could have been different,” she said, the words hardly coming out.

She held back her sobs and wiped her tears as Illumi got out. She wanted to run after him. But she knew there was no use.

“I hope you do too,” Illumi replied as their eyes met one last time and the door closed behind him.

The young woman instantly started sobbing unable to do anything else. Illumi on the street could only rush away from her. He could feel regret pulling him back every time he took a step forward. But the man had been trained to kill his desires. Nonetheless, he knew that her words just like a curse would haunt him forever. Just like a thousand things he wanted but never had.


End file.
